you can shift the conversation to something constructive.
by Erin McLaughlin
Thanksgiving Day is upon us, and with it comes a mix of joy and terror for many, as we anticipate the gathering of family. Family may mean those with whom we share DNA or parents (but sometimes that’s it); old friends, with whom we share common experiences (but sometimes different politics); and in-laws, with whom we share a love for the same people (but sometimes it’s overshadowed by viewpoints that divide us). Much has been written about how to survive Thanksgiving dinner without inflaming warring parties--a rather interesting irony of a holiday meant to illustrate the ability of people to come together and be grateful. While much of the advice out there is sensible, some of it is more amusing than practical, and most of it is difficult to apply in the heat of the moment.
For instance, Marlene Coroselli, author of The Language of Leadership, suggests that hosts should warn guests ahead of time that the word “Kwanza” will be shouted anytime an argument arises. While it’s plausible that this tactic may work in some families, it certainly doesn’t seem like a solution that would work for many. Another more reasonable tip from psychotherapist Sarah Mandel is to bartend responsibly, citing the reality that for many, alcohol causes trouble as we lose our ability to judge what we should and should not say aloud. But this negates the fact that free-flowing libations on Thanksgiving may be a tradition revered by many, and monitoring refills isn’t easy when it comes to our own glasses, let alone the glasses of others.
It’s difficult to hold other people we love accountable, and it certainly can cause added discomfort. Perhaps then we can look to the words of wisdom from William Fitzgerald, an associate English professor at Rutgers University. He suggested last year that we remember why we’re at Thanksgiving dinner in the first place, and to look for common ground instead of engaging in an argument. Fitzgerald says we should resist snark and avoid speechmaking--all good advice but, of course, it also pre-supposes that we are there to connect positively with others and that we have some modicum of self-awareness and intellectual humility.
Even those who are earnestly approaching Thanksgiving with good will may find themselves growing suddenly and viscerally upset when Uncle Bill or Cousin Jenny introduces difficult topics that lend themselves to controversy and deeply held beliefs. If left unchecked, these subjects can veer off the path of civil discourse quickly. Before we can possibly remember our purpose, our positivity, and our poise, we may find our pulses quicken and our righteousness ratchets up. This is often because of two things--pace and space. The very nature of gatherings of people who have diverse viewpoints, where everyone has an equal opportunity to speak and be heard, means that conversations can quickly shift unexpectedly and opinions are often voiced as facts. When faced with an idea spewed across a table that seems so unabashedly wrong, many people don’t have the space needed to choose a constructive path to continue the conversation in a civil manner.
It’s a nice hope, but not altogether reasonable, to expect others to hold themselves in check regarding broaching highly controversial topics during Thanksgiving dinner. And it’s definitely unreasonable to expect everyone to agree. However, for those readers who hope to be part of a more peaceful Thanksgiving this year, there is a strategy for recognizing and respecting one of the most important, least acknowledged kinds of diversity out there--viewpoint diversity. Regardless of race, gender, religion, education, ethnicity, economic status, sexuality, or any other arbitrary identity marker, everyone has a unique viewpoint. And if we believe that other people matter, then their views must matter, too -- even if we happen to vehemently disagree with them.
Viewpoint diversity isn’t about agreement, or consensus, or tolerance. It’s simply about making an attempt to understand a point of view that’s different. This doesn’t mean, of course, that all viewpoints are equal. Some things are indisputable facts, and some opinions may be reprehensible and intolerable. But more often than not, there is some common ground between and among people. Usually, it’s in the form of values; we simply differ in how we prioritize what we care about. The path forward to understanding is one that ultimately makes people better versions of themselves. And there’s an easy way to get started…
This Thanksgiving, the most important thing to do is to keep yourself in CHECK:
Certainty? If you feel yourself feeling certain that someone is wrong and you’re right, ask...
Have I been wrong before? Of course, so then, before we speak, we should think about...
Evidence beyond experience. Seek to make this less personal and more factual, creating...
Constructive conversation. Ask questions, aim for understanding, because that will add to:
Knowledge. Understanding a point of view that isn’t yours makes you a better person.
By taking the time to put things in perspective, by recognizing that not all perspectives are the same and no one’s worldview is complete, CHECK is a system that creates space in a conversation--and within that space is a powerful choice about how to conduct the kind of conversation many of us have been missing in both our private and public spheres. If positive change in our level of discourse is something that we truly desire, then we must take it upon ourselves to start the process. Share this with friends and family. And, those who choose to make the effort can hold themselves accountable by keeping themselves in CHECK. Together, we can make Thanksgiving happy again!
For more information on viewpoint diversity and to find out how to bring viewpoint diversity training to your corporation, business or team, visit https://positive-ed.com/viewpoint today.